deal or be dealt

lately there seems to be a non-stop rush of things that are just essentially out of my control. it’s like someone really wants me to learn that I have no real control of my life because there are way too many variables. there is a higher power that is supposed to be guiding me the right way to make the right choices. but i think that in itself complicates everything.

life is so fragile. i know that we have so many songs and quotes that want to shy away from that very fact. but it is. i am not trying to say that it is so fragile that you have to live carefully but more along the lines of remembering that each and every thing that you do or say to someone has substance. it is all you leave with the world when you are gone.

i recently (literally it has been this past week where things have just been spiraling out of control) have had to deal with different hardships and see other people mourn the loss of someone i had the privilege of knowing in high school. i’ve also had to accept that no one is really going to always have the right thing to say but it is their presence that is more valuable. i am so appreciative of the few people in my life that i feel totally comfortable with going to about what has been going on in my personal life.

i guess i just needed a space to let my mind roam free so thank you if you are reading this.. maybe this touched you somehow. if it does, i just want you to put on “Sleep On The Floor” by The Lumineers..and you’ll just know. we can share that moment. If the sun don’t shine.. we will still find our way. We have to because we either deal with what we are dealt with or it will deal with us. tumblr_oommd0kopn1w6p2tpo3_500

 

erasing what you thought

it seems like it is always times that i am especially emotional; annoyed, sad or disappointed when i realize that i have so much to write about. i wish it was not so often that things like what has been going on occur.. but they do. perhaps it is because i continue to choose people in my life that are only temporary people. people who want to pick and choose when they want to be a genuine friend and other times when they want to just not give a shit about what comes from their mouth towards you.

or perhaps it is simply because people will always, if given the chance, take and take and will not look back to see that they have left you baren. the process of getting over someone, whether that be in a friendship or relationship, is not an easy one. there are some special people out there that have the ability to just drop people and have no emotional damage from that. i am not one of those people.

we weren’t anything, but we weren’t nothing.

it takes time and lots of talking for me to be  able to just.. let it go and move on. judgement of people based on their coping mechanisms is something that i cannot put under a microscope. it makes me sick to know that i have to accept that sort of treatment from people who claim to be my friends. it almost feels unhealthy, maybe it is. we can attempt to blame this on star signs (those pesky Geminis always end up being too much) or the way someone was raised but what good is that?

i guess this post is just an opportunity for me to just. .spill how i feel. there are so many other positives in my life right now and i do not know why it is only things that involve my trust and my heart that i am allowing to rule me. friends are never truly trustworthy until they give you a reason to show you they are and that is scary. i guess i hate to say this, but this is yet another reason why i have to learn to stop opening up to people. stay with the day ones and the others.. are just your party friends or acquaintances because apparently, you gave them a higher level in your life than they do with you.

Long Sighs

img_0738

It has definitely been awhile since I even thought about writing here, so I apologize. Tonight as I stay in and just try to destress while studying for yet another midterm, I am wracked with how much change has been going through my life in such a short amount of time. These last few months I have turned 19, bought locally owned chokers, lost like 3 pounds of weight, pledged for a sorority, found out that some friendships really are not friendships, started working with a Non-profit for young girls!!  and that stress of the sophomore year of college is ever so R E A L and inescapable for so long. Regardless of all of that, I somehow am able to just try and find the positives.

To start off, I think what is weighing so heavily for me is that I feel like I am not making any progress. Funny to put that down even though I just mentioned everything above, but if I am brutally honest with myself, I still feel stagnant fashion/creative wise. It’s like I see things that make my heart flutter but for whatever reason, cannot recreate it in my own life. My body image lately has been completely shot and I genuinely hope that I can somehow fix that this coming week and onwards. I see people from high school that are getting attention from old friends and other people about how cute and trendy they are and how in the future, they would go to these people for fashion advice/style. It is difficult to attempt to not see that as a veiled stab that I was nowhere near this conversation nor was I probably even an afterthought of this. It worries me that maybe, just maybe, I am losing-if I haven’t already- my spark. My light is dim and I just want it to be bright again.

The thought of pledging for a sorority was something I kind of always dreamed of. To be a part of an organization that prided itself with things like sisterhood and philanthropy and connections (&yes I really wanted a jacket to put my letters on.) But it did everything but work out. The sisters I had met were only shortly those cheery and sincere women- they turned into people I could never see myself being with let alone calling them my sisters. My pledge line even was filled with those who took everything personally and got too cliquey-too fast. I met one or two girls who were sincere and also ended up dropping the process, but it bewilders me how so many other girls and guys go through such a demanding process.. for what? At the end of the day, how can you willingly allow yourself to be treated so rudely just because “it is all business.” One second you’re blindfolded or forced to greet your big sister a certain way- their full name without ever meeting them beforehand and the next you’re being chided for your efforts. I get enough of that, heck, we all get enough of that on the daily that we should not have to take it from those we are hoping to join and be a part of. Do I regret going through the process? Yes and no. Do I see sorority posts all over my timeline and wish that was me? Sometimes. Do I feel free now that my schedule is not taken over by mandated events that would not allow me to go back home and visit my family? HECK YES.

I also recently found a bunch of different things out that someone who I considered to be a close friend. Weird, right? You think you know someone only to realize you literally did not know anything about them except their music tastes, food favorites and that they love to get turnt on the weekends.. or daily. That is the dangerous side of being part of Greek life in all honesty. You can get caught up in all of it that you don’t even realize the changes in yourself unless you’re looking from the outside in. After some social media snooping, I found out that my friend had lost their father a few years ago, had a sister, and was participating in doing illegal substances. The saddest part of all of this is that I felt devastated. I realized that I did not have feelings for this person anymore because I was so attached to the image that I had for who that person was before. Now, this person I do not recognize. This person goes from having such a beautiful smile and humor that just radiated to being someone who makes bad choices and goes on random dates with girls from the sorority I was going to be in. This person is a really crappy friend and never even realizes it; perhaps thinks that by sending a few random snaps is enough, that late “come through” snap for the party just does not carry the same weight it used to. Pretending like it does, like I don’t see this person differently anymore, that is what is killing me. I don’t have the will to say any of this to their face simply because, I obviously do not hold that place in their lives anymore.. or maybe I never did.

~insert long sigh here~

So, I have been through quite a few things in a matter of september-present and just needed to let this all out somehow. So thank you for reading. If you want to check out a non-profit that is all about education, empowering young women and girls, and changing the path of those who were incarcerated, check out R.I.S.E To Empower. We all need that source of positivity, of that light, in our lives and I just really really hope you either find it, or you become it.

Untying

  • Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard.- David McCullough

There’s a special place in my heart for people who know how to turn around and not get caught up in the day to day. I see that as a gift, a gift that I was not given but can see is instilled with a few. These last few months (June & July) have been incredible once I am able to reflect upon them. After weeks of doing hundreds of applications for jobs, my first interview which I had thought was a total bust (on the interviewers’ part, not mine) had actually been the one to seal the deal and offer me the job.

I like to believe that I take each thing that happens in my life and attempt to find the positive or the good in it. For that though, it happens to take a bit out of me, bit by bit. There are just some experiences that you have to live through to realize that being in that situation isn’t for you. My first job experience was riddled with numerous negatives. Although I will not name the place of my employment, I feel like it is pertinent for me to express why I decided to put in my resignation. First off, the management was incredibly unorganized and it was “Oh, watch out for so and so. If you work with them, all you’ve learned just goes out the window!” Cue one of my raised eyebrow looks here.. My manager was always rude and short-tempered, he just did not seem to truly give me a chance and did not take the time to train me properly. For the most part, my coworkers were nice and willing to teach me the ropes but shift after shift I still came home feeling uneasy and anxiety ridden. One thing that I really did not enjoy was the uncleanliness of it all; at any restaurant setting, you would have menus cleaned with something; such as a rag, but you would also need a bucket filled with disinfectant for it. At my place of employment, there was one rag that was given to clean numerous menus with grease, food and germs and that same rag was used for the counter and whatever else my superiors deemed “dirty.”

After almost a month, I could not take it anymore. I could not force myself to drive the 30 minutes to work just feeling terrible about myself. I decided that I could place myself in a situation where nothing positive was coming out from my time there. Yes, I was getting paid, but that was minimum wage and it was not worth the way i felt. I sought the advice of some of my closest friends and was reminded that I only deserved positivity. I needed to break away from the things that added an unnecessary stress to me, especially because this was not a necessity. Feeling stagnant becomes old and is not healthy. I contacted my manager and blamed my resignation on my summer classes and although they are getting more rigorous, it was not the real reason. The real world doesn’t like to accept the truth because we must save face apparently.

Life will always continue with or without your consent. Whether or not you decide to actually decide to partake and live is another choice altogether. I choose to move towards bettering myself and although that is a daily choice, I know I have to. I see so many people that I consider as friends go and support others for their dreams etc but when it comes to me, I have to take my own advice and keep my eyes open rather than look away. Just because other people who claim to support you do not seek you out for opportunities, that is not your loss. it is theirs. They may not see your potential or that you are working towards your goals, but that just can serve as a way to make you sure that you are pursuing your own, for you. For the betterment of your family or your community at large.

I pray for the lives taken everyday, whether that be for the slain officers on duty or for the hundreds of people of color who are being called together to take notice and make change. For the root of all evil to show their face and be condemned rather than taken out in the streets and called upon as if it were a source of power. This hatred that is present in our society has been woven into America’s bloodlines and it is time that we peacefully untie and sew our own united and diverse America. This holds true to all the injustice worldwide as well. We are more than the social media that we placate our opinions on, we must use these platforms as way to actually incite change and go out and do just that.

I hope to seek good food, heartfelt and genuine friends and views that make me feel something and create positive change. The memories matter just as much as you do. Writing is something that offers a forum for thought, which is why I thought McCullough’s quote fit so well in this piece. As the days grow near for me to return to my college, I start thinking about all that can go wrong this coming year; all that can go right. Perhaps all we must do is continue believing in ourselves and in God’s plan and hopefully what is left of our summers, and this coming year, is filled with more joy, development and growth than hurt and condemnation, for us all.

Open Letter to My Freshman Year of College Self

(The title is a mouthful in itself, isn’t it?)

It’s completely ridiculous how 8 months ago feels forever ago, but then again, just like it was yesterday. The only real reason I know this much time has passed is because I am a completely different person than I was when I first came to college. This is a letter to myself-to remind me where I’ve been and where I want to go, but also to you, whether you are headed to, in, or out of college. This is a reminder of what happens as you grow up, and all that you have to look forward to. Freshman year has ended and with it, I cannot help but feel like a major chapter in my story has been cut into bittersweet pieces of fruit I have to indulge you with.

So here it goes: You will grow so much and that means that the uncomfortable times that come along with growing are to arrive on your sunrise soon enough. You will lose one of your friendships that you would not have ever thought of losing simply because, well you got too comfortable. You are not at fault for this friendship ending but of course, it takes two to tango.

It makes you smile when you see your senior high school friends post prom pictures and when you see those tweets about how excited they are to graduate and “Live their life once they leave this city!” Living in another city than your home town is something I am so grateful for now because you strip away the known and you start anew. You find your favorite coffee shops, brunch hotspots that you will later name “Babe Cave” or discover spots of San Diego where you hope your future significant other will take you on a date. I am still holding out on perhaps finding someone to make me happy in that way but alas, for now, I am that person for myself. You hope that those soon-to-be graduates know what they are getting themselves into because you wish that someone would have grabbed your shoulders and told you straight in the eye: “If you are going to claim to try all things new and clean: start with whom  you are choosing to live with.” OR perhaps that was something that was essential to my story and needed to happen. Only God knows.

You might feel like you are 3 years older after your experiences but glance at that mirror and remind yourself that you have so much time. You have been granted the best gift of all- time. You serve as a reminder for your close friends and family that hard work is and perhaps will always be, the one facet of your personality that keeps you strong and different. Others may not understand or may refuse to understand (& that it their right) that you are not willing to adjust your standards for whatever is accepted and in at this generation’s flavor of the month. This also means that you have the freedom to try new things and it won’t be until you shed off the extra side glances and judgement of those who are not truly out to lift you up that you are able to be free. There will be friends you are friends with because you have classes with, people you just party with and people you can genuinely have a heart to heart with and having all the above are okay, just as long as you are able to differentiate between them all. Let people learn who they are as you learn who you are, and let that be enough.

With that being said, you can try and try and try and practice a bit more and still fail. That goes with friendships, diets, relationships of all kinds really and most of all, academically. Business Calculus was something that I did not think would get me down so much and just keep me on the mat. When you are down though, that is when I learned the most. I learned that with me, my fallibility is attached to math and that just means that I have to throw more punches and start practicing the day I learn the material. Seems easy enough, but the chaos of having 4 other classes does get in the way. However, I am going to take these lessons and apply them to the fall and well, kick Business Calc in the ass.

You will forever be grateful that you ditched the shower sandals as soon as you were cleaning out your freshman dorm. I had originally thought that cleaning my dorm would give me some euphoric moment but in all reality, yes it made me sad because I learned to love that old building (#TNastyFam4Lyfe) for all its ugliness curated a significant culture but it also made me question where the time went. The amount of times the elevators would not work and you resorted to climbing 8 floors to the penthouse, or when you were physically in the elevator when it decided to just stop working.. all parts of its charm.

Spring semester basically exists to have that water bucket thrown in your face effect. Everything happened this semester and without it, you wouldn’t be the same person. You will remember the nights you went out partying and actually *gasp* enjoyed yourself. DU will forever have a part of my heart even though I can no longer think of consuming JJ. It was good while it lasted my friend.

IMG_2450

College has also taught me that I can identify the smell of weed a mile away, now that is a talent.. I wonder if that would be appropriate to add to my resume? I am still confused how I could have never met some of the people I met this year without college. My neighbors across the way were the hidden gift that I did not know that was given to me. Those guys made me smile and laugh at the roughest parts of my days and knowing that they found me to be the funniest person and somehow saw that I was genuine, that just made my heart soar for their friendship. It still baffles me how I have been able to make friends with people from literally around the world (I have no idea how they even deal with homesickness) my friend Haejoo is from Korea and she ended up being one of the girls that I meant at a rush event and remained close with throughout the year and I am so blessed for her companionship. I learned that I genuinely love Communication 101 and with that, giving speeches to an audience. My Comm 101 small lecture was my favorite course I have taken at State and that was due to my amazing teacher Nikki Truscelli and my classmates that ended up becoming my small family and gave me Elaine (for I am pretty sure will be my sidekick for years to come.)

IMG_3188

So, as I whine down this long open letter, I will leave you with a quote from Master Rapp because well, it applies to everything.

“Be vulnerable. Allow yourself that much, without vulnerability, you will not allow love into your life and that is the biggest inconvenience you could do to yourself.”

Be vulnerable, cultivate positivity and enjoy all the moments- even the bad ones because it is in those times that the genuine people you have in your life will come out of the woodwork.

Dealing with…

What you’re dealt with. When the cards seem to be so far away from you, you cannot even fathom to imagine what they say. At this point of the semester and this season in my life, I find myself with a head cold. The irony in all of this is that, I should have seen it coming. I let exterior things get to me and allow me to change where I saw my self going. Or perhaps it was the fact that my heart became clouded with things that I could not be responsible for but had to still feel, it charred at my heart begging to be felt again. As if that dead body awoke angry that I had buried it. So, I go back and forth with the idea that this sickness that surrounds me is due to my thoughts and anxieties or if it truly is due to exterior forces.tumblr_n4pvdm6nrz1qe0fxmo3_r1_250

“I hope that you never, not even for one second, become a secondary character in your own story.”

Take me to the cliffs and settle a blanket around our shoulders and just don’t say anything. Let our minds drift and with the wind that surrounds us, allow each and every thought without a name to fly away. I need this, and yet I would catch a cold for putting myself in such a releasing moment. It’s almost as if my body is working against me. My health fails me as I feel like I fail myself. Academically, I have never been doing so bad with so much effort to do well. I always have seen, up to this point, the success that I felt I deserved because of my dedication. Not until now have I learned that you don’t get a break from anything.

I would love a break from the high standards that are tied to my name that entangle my brothers’ minds about how “perfect” I am. To break away from the standards I put on myself to be restrained and yet open, following my passions even though those I regard as “important” in my life make a mockery of my visions. It’s amazing what surrounding your self with people who do not see your potential will do to your own clarity. In too many situations lately, I cannot escape those people, as if they are Life’s minions reminding me to not stray too far.

I hope to find my way and find people who can help guide me to propel me through ways of improving academically, emotionally and spiritually. At this moment, all I truly have left is my heart-half empty- and the wisps of hope that cling to the light I hope I still have; regardless of the people that surround me that do not bring out and say anything of my positives, as I lay there christening them with theirs.

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to deal.

Spring Renewal: The Time For Reflections

**Lissie’s new album is now on Spotify so that is what’s playing right now**

I have recently been going through a really rough patch with my family.  I come from a family that has so much love for each other but not individually. Or perhaps this strings out oddly because my parents never truly regained the trust factor for each other or the love that was there ever so long ago. Either way, I have seen the road and it is a bitter end that I do not want to travel along in my own ventures of the heart.

No, I have never been pursued by someone and if that doesn’t seem to just nudge roughly at a person’s sense of security, I do not know what would. So, with the fact that I  do not feel like I could really be loved in such a way as that.. I do not know if being a child of divorce, my heart is too large to be held by anyone’s hands.

I feel like I have been lacking in spirituality lately and there was an odd experience that occurred last night as my friends and I roamed downtown San Diego. Gaslamp quarter is a miraculous area that hoards people of 18 and uppers and although the crowds are large and different, there are important aspects that hold each person as an individual.

Naivety or acknowledgment of the very real aspect of life: that everyone wants to be loved. Whether that be sexually or otherwise, that is one stronghold that can be researched worldwide and would still have the same results. The spews of people last night were drunken and yet you saw a twinkle in some eyes that were to mean something a little bit more. When I witnessed that, I felt something deep inside that I could not particularly place.  I am at a part in my life where the people that surround me have experienced things that I have not. I have experienced a lot of pain, a lot of growth and a lot of confusion. This confusion seems to settle over me like waves. The currents change to drown me every now and then and it is not a comforting thought to whist away. These people all were the same, regardless of race or ethnicity. Noticing the women were significantly more drunk than the men. The men having some advantage in controlling themselves, their liquor, their wants and whether or not that want changes from more than physical attraction.

I just hope that one day when I am pursued by someone with a kind heart that makes me    f e el that I hold the control a bit more and that he knows that sometimes life makes it necessary to spring into things- regardless if the light is on or off.

lights will guide you home

Being a freshman in college and listening to Coldplay.. it could make anyone melancholic or wildly comforted. Whenever I am away from home I never really think about how wildly thankful I should be that I chose a university that was a little under 2 hours away from home my family.

Some things that I have learned so far (now that my first semester of college has come to an end, whew):

  • always call your mom. no matter what time it is, she will still save those voicemails to hear whenever she misses you and that warms my heart.
  • don’t be afraid to say no. Yes, college is about exploration and learning new things but if your beliefs are being tested just because it’s what everyone else is doing, it 98% of the time, is not worth it.
  • on the other side of the coin, say yes more. Say yes to loving yourself and not comparing every little attribute of someone else to yourself. Say yes to another episode of Criminal Minds because Matthew Gray Gubler. Also because I learn valuable things all the time like how important a panic code really is. For example in the episode the code was PEPPER & her mom knew right away when she got that text that her daughter needed help. Clever, right? Say yes to that early (9am is early to college students okay?) workout. Your mind and body will thank you for it! also say yes to that boho off the shoulder dress..and link me to it because my online shopping needs an update 🙂
  • everything at the Market is super expensive. Learn to get the healthiest and cheapest things because hoarding all those chips and mints are doing nothing good in your drawer just because you want to spend your daily allowance of your meal plan.
  • study. i mean really study before midterms and finals. it seems easy enough but studying is different than it was in high school & habits die hard so might as well start off fresh with some positive ones. (I managed to pull my B- to a solid B in Statistical Methods because I studied sooner than I normally did!)
  • office hours are your friend, they really are and even if you feel that your professor gives you a certain “look” if you don’t get the concept the first time, remember that effort will never betray you.
  • making friends can be hard, but as my dad says, “If you are out searching for your friends, you’re doing it wrong. You did not get your closest high school friends by doing that; be open and yourself and let them come to you.”
  • this should be obvious but take your vitamins!! it is so so easy to catch a cold or something else eghm *shower sandals please!!*                                                                      Being back home has it’s benefits and nothing beats a home cooked meal. Until the arrival of Spring semester.. know your worth in this New Year. You don’t have to wait until it’s 2016 to do that thing you have meaning to do or learn or see. Observe and cultivate! ~