Long Sighs

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It has definitely been awhile since I even thought about writing here, so I apologize. Tonight as I stay in and just try to destress while studying for yet another midterm, I am wracked with how much change has been going through my life in such a short amount of time. These last few months I have turned 19, bought locally owned chokers, lost like 3 pounds of weight, pledged for a sorority, found out that some friendships really are not friendships, started working with a Non-profit for young girls!!  and that stress of the sophomore year of college is ever so R E A L and inescapable for so long. Regardless of all of that, I somehow am able to just try and find the positives.

To start off, I think what is weighing so heavily for me is that I feel like I am not making any progress. Funny to put that down even though I just mentioned everything above, but if I am brutally honest with myself, I still feel stagnant fashion/creative wise. It’s like I see things that make my heart flutter but for whatever reason, cannot recreate it in my own life. My body image lately has been completely shot and I genuinely hope that I can somehow fix that this coming week and onwards. I see people from high school that are getting attention from old friends and other people about how cute and trendy they are and how in the future, they would go to these people for fashion advice/style. It is difficult to attempt to not see that as a veiled stab that I was nowhere near this conversation nor was I probably even an afterthought of this. It worries me that maybe, just maybe, I am losing-if I haven’t already- my spark. My light is dim and I just want it to be bright again.

The thought of pledging for a sorority was something I kind of always dreamed of. To be a part of an organization that prided itself with things like sisterhood and philanthropy and connections (&yes I really wanted a jacket to put my letters on.) But it did everything but work out. The sisters I had met were only shortly those cheery and sincere women- they turned into people I could never see myself being with let alone calling them my sisters. My pledge line even was filled with those who took everything personally and got too cliquey-too fast. I met one or two girls who were sincere and also ended up dropping the process, but it bewilders me how so many other girls and guys go through such a demanding process.. for what? At the end of the day, how can you willingly allow yourself to be treated so rudely just because “it is all business.” One second you’re blindfolded or forced to greet your big sister a certain way- their full name without ever meeting them beforehand and the next you’re being chided for your efforts. I get enough of that, heck, we all get enough of that on the daily that we should not have to take it from those we are hoping to join and be a part of. Do I regret going through the process? Yes and no. Do I see sorority posts all over my timeline and wish that was me? Sometimes. Do I feel free now that my schedule is not taken over by mandated events that would not allow me to go back home and visit my family? HECK YES.

I also recently found a bunch of different things out that someone who I considered to be a close friend. Weird, right? You think you know someone only to realize you literally did not know anything about them except their music tastes, food favorites and that they love to get turnt on the weekends.. or daily. That is the dangerous side of being part of Greek life in all honesty. You can get caught up in all of it that you don’t even realize the changes in yourself unless you’re looking from the outside in. After some social media snooping, I found out that my friend had lost their father a few years ago, had a sister, and was participating in doing illegal substances. The saddest part of all of this is that I felt devastated. I realized that I did not have feelings for this person anymore because I was so attached to the image that I had for who that person was before. Now, this person I do not recognize. This person goes from having such a beautiful smile and humor that just radiated to being someone who makes bad choices and goes on random dates with girls from the sorority I was going to be in. This person is a really crappy friend and never even realizes it; perhaps thinks that by sending a few random snaps is enough, that late “come through” snap for the party just does not carry the same weight it used to. Pretending like it does, like I don’t see this person differently anymore, that is what is killing me. I don’t have the will to say any of this to their face simply because, I obviously do not hold that place in their lives anymore.. or maybe I never did.

~insert long sigh here~

So, I have been through quite a few things in a matter of september-present and just needed to let this all out somehow. So thank you for reading. If you want to check out a non-profit that is all about education, empowering young women and girls, and changing the path of those who were incarcerated, check out R.I.S.E To Empower. We all need that source of positivity, of that light, in our lives and I just really really hope you either find it, or you become it.

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