What you’re dealt with. When the cards seem to be so far away from you, you cannot even fathom to imagine what they say. At this point of the semester and this season in my life, I find myself with a head cold. The irony in all of this is that, I should have seen it coming. I let exterior things get to me and allow me to change where I saw my self going. Or perhaps it was the fact that my heart became clouded with things that I could not be responsible for but had to still feel, it charred at my heart begging to be felt again. As if that dead body awoke angry that I had buried it. So, I go back and forth with the idea that this sickness that surrounds me is due to my thoughts and anxieties or if it truly is due to exterior forces.
“I hope that you never, not even for one second, become a secondary character in your own story.”
Take me to the cliffs and settle a blanket around our shoulders and just don’t say anything. Let our minds drift and with the wind that surrounds us, allow each and every thought without a name to fly away. I need this, and yet I would catch a cold for putting myself in such a releasing moment. It’s almost as if my body is working against me. My health fails me as I feel like I fail myself. Academically, I have never been doing so bad with so much effort to do well. I always have seen, up to this point, the success that I felt I deserved because of my dedication. Not until now have I learned that you don’t get a break from anything.
I would love a break from the high standards that are tied to my name that entangle my brothers’ minds about how “perfect” I am. To break away from the standards I put on myself to be restrained and yet open, following my passions even though those I regard as “important” in my life make a mockery of my visions. It’s amazing what surrounding your self with people who do not see your potential will do to your own clarity. In too many situations lately, I cannot escape those people, as if they are Life’s minions reminding me to not stray too far.
I hope to find my way and find people who can help guide me to propel me through ways of improving academically, emotionally and spiritually. At this moment, all I truly have left is my heart-half empty- and the wisps of hope that cling to the light I hope I still have; regardless of the people that surround me that do not bring out and say anything of my positives, as I lay there christening them with theirs.
Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to deal.