**Lissie’s new album is now on Spotify so that is what’s playing right now**
I have recently been going through a really rough patch with my family. I come from a family that has so much love for each other but not individually. Or perhaps this strings out oddly because my parents never truly regained the trust factor for each other or the love that was there ever so long ago. Either way, I have seen the road and it is a bitter end that I do not want to travel along in my own ventures of the heart.
No, I have never been pursued by someone and if that doesn’t seem to just nudge roughly at a person’s sense of security, I do not know what would. So, with the fact that I do not feel like I could really be loved in such a way as that.. I do not know if being a child of divorce, my heart is too large to be held by anyone’s hands.
I feel like I have been lacking in spirituality lately and there was an odd experience that occurred last night as my friends and I roamed downtown San Diego. Gaslamp quarter is a miraculous area that hoards people of 18 and uppers and although the crowds are large and different, there are important aspects that hold each person as an individual.
Naivety or acknowledgment of the very real aspect of life: that everyone wants to be loved. Whether that be sexually or otherwise, that is one stronghold that can be researched worldwide and would still have the same results. The spews of people last night were drunken and yet you saw a twinkle in some eyes that were to mean something a little bit more. When I witnessed that, I felt something deep inside that I could not particularly place. I am at a part in my life where the people that surround me have experienced things that I have not. I have experienced a lot of pain, a lot of growth and a lot of confusion. This confusion seems to settle over me like waves. The currents change to drown me every now and then and it is not a comforting thought to whist away. These people all were the same, regardless of race or ethnicity. Noticing the women were significantly more drunk than the men. The men having some advantage in controlling themselves, their liquor, their wants and whether or not that want changes from more than physical attraction.
I just hope that one day when I am pursued by someone with a kind heart that makes me f e el that I hold the control a bit more and that he knows that sometimes life makes it necessary to spring into things- regardless if the light is on or off.